You work out of a Hotel?
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
