Hey man sorry I got all grabby
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
