I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize