the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
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