remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Randomize
