yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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