I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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