im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize