Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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