so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize