You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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