my mouth tastes like poor choices
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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