im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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