It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
