i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
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