dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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