ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
