You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Randomize
