my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
