he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
