Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize