my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
There are leaves in my underwear?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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