fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
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