tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
