woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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