I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
