Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
