i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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