i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
