do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
