Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
