Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Less talking, more tequila
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
