I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
