I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
