when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
