Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
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