Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
