Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize