From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
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