You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I will pee on everything he values.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize