Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
