i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
