I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
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