If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I will pee on everything he values.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
