All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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