As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
