Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
He felt like a one man threesome
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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