So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
