yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
