**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
