Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I just found puke in my bra..
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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