I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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