...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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