One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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