Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize