it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
