And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
