Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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