Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize