Pappa wants mamma naked
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Sorry about my life...
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
