just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
