I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize