Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
