Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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