dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize