How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
