you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
