Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
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