I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
