My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
