I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
She even gives head with a lisp.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
